It’s important to distinguish that listening and hearing are not the same thing. Whilst hearing is a completely biological phenomena that involves a bone vibrating by an eardrum, listening is all about making meaning of the words that you are hearing.
Listening lives in language, it can be described as interpretation or deep internal storytelling. Very often it’s not so important what is said, it’s what gets listened and what interpretation gets generated.
Anytime two people talk, two conversations are going on. One is public, the other is private. The private conversation goes on inside the heads of the participants. The public conversation can be called hearing, the private one is listening.
What Gets in the Way of Deep Listening
Listening to respond
It happens very often that when we are listening to someone talking, our internal voice says: “When is he finally going to shut up? I have this great point that I want to make! Hurry up!”
When this is happening, we are not listening to understand. We might completely miss the point the other person is making, we are not present because our focus is on the comeback, the response, instead of generating understanding.
Listening to call out errors
In this case the listener is ready to verbally jump at the speaker like a wild cat. The sole focus of listening in that case is to spot an error in what the speaker is saying. He’s constantly preparing to make the speaker wrong about item A, B, or C.
Naturally, when listening to call out errors, the listener’s interpretations, the meaning he generates from what is said, is heavily influenced by that intent. We also need to assume that our public image will suffer if we do this often.
Listening with the belief that I have to agree
It requires strength to listen even though you disagree with what is being said. It still makes sense to keep listening with the intent of gathering more information. Even if in the end you still disagree, your disagreement will at least be well informed.
Listening without being aware of our pre-understanding
How we listen is shaped by what we have learned in our lives. We can consider these learnings as filters through which we make our interpretations. These filters can be: personal and family stories, cultural narratives, social/community practices (personal habits and “the way we do things here”, customary ways of practice), and the emotion or mood we are in.
How to Improve Deep Listening
Listen to understand
In order to listen to understand, you need to catch yourself when the automatic internal story creation begins. That voice that says, “You better come up with a great response!” “You need to answer this right to look smart!”. It’s not easy, but with practice you’ll get there!
Be aware of your pre-understanding
Creating awareness around the filters through which you are interpreting is super important! With practice, you’ll become able to pick and choose what is helpful in the moment and set aside what doesn’t serve you.
Be present
Being present means being grounded and fully in the moment. Make sure to eliminate any distractions, connect your feet to the ground, breathe, and let unhelpful thoughts go.
Slow down
A confident listener is not in a hurry. He doesn’t want to escape the situation.
Collect data
As a listener, you want to collect as much data as you need. You are on a journey of discovery. It’s your responsibility to allow this discovery to happen.
If I’m fully focused on understanding, how do I make sure I’m ready to respond?
If you worry about your response, there is good news: Your chances of a great response are much higher if you listen deeply and gather all the information you need. You will be able to come up with a response based on the data you’ve gathered before. Your brain can handle it!
References
Brothers, Chalmers. Language and the pursuit of happiness. Naples, Florida, New Possibilities Press, 2005.
Sieler, Alan. Coaching to the human soul. vol. 1, Blackburn, Newfield Australia, 2003.